The quality isn't the best, but you get the idea.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnn2sY0gNkA

Finding the Silver Lining

I've been awful at updating this thing. I wanted to wait until something amazing happened at my new place or until I had some really cool integration story, but nothing like that's happened yet. I keep forgetting that my posts don't always have to be positive and a lot of the times I try to avoid writing a negative post, no matter how honest or accurate it may be, because things sound so much worse back home and I don't want anyone worrying about me.

Having completed more than half of my service I'm definitely guilty of having the mentality that I'm entitled. It's the sense of having earned something. You put in the effort, and you get acceptance and respect. Makes sense. Changing sites knocks you to the very bottom of the totem pole and forces you to do the work all over again.

In the timeline of PC service, right about now is when I'd be handing over projects and stepping back even more than I had been. Getting my site ready for life without me there or, in otherwords, making all of my work sustainable. The last 6 months are supposed to be easier, fun, and a time to really enjoy and appreciate all the work and effort you've put into the past year and a half you've spent with your community. It's not typical for a volunteer to start over with so little time left in their service. To put it bluntly, site changes completely suck. Especially when you don't want one. I'm trying my best to stay positive, but lately I'm feeling a little bitter.

It was hard to leave behind my old site and to leave behind students that I've taught my entire time here. It was even worse not being able to observe them during their final school practice (student teaching) and get them ready to apply for jobs. It was difficult not being able to say goodbye to the people that took me in and made me a part of the community. But I got over it, or at least I accepted that it was something I had to do.

Now I'm struggling with being seen as a new volunteer when I've already gone through all the work and growing pains of establishing myself as a legitimate member of a community. Sometimes you have days when you feel like you never want to leave this place. Everything clicks...you have work, you're busy, projects are successful, everyone knows you, and you even have a social life in the village. These days are what I live for. It also takes a lot of work and dedication to get to that level of integration. As awful as it sounds, right now I'm not motivated to do that work.

I know what I have to do to be not only accepted into a community, but also to be happy in the village. I've done it before, and I've done it correctly. I'm having this terrible inner struggle with myself where I know the work that needs to be done, but I feel like I shouldn't have to do it again. It's that awful and selfish sense of entitlement I was talking about before. I'm indirectly taking out all my frustrations on my new community by not giving them the same effort I gave to Kyotera. While my situation is by no means fair, the way I am reacting is completely unfair to Nakaseke.

I've been too negative lately and I'm working to focus on the positives and how fortunate I am to be at such a well-off school where the tutors are qualified. Today is just one of those days where I woke up and thought I was back in Rakai. Being homesick for a place in Uganda is something I never thought I would experience.

I guess with all the negativity and bitterness and pent up resentment I'm waiting to find the opportunity that I know has to be right in front of my face. I've taken my time to be upset and to mope around. It's way past time for me to get motivated and find out where I'm needed here. They say there's a silver lining to every dark cloud; I'm just waiting to find mine.

I've moved!

More to come soon, but I am officially a tutor at Nakaseke Core Primary Teachers' college in Nakaseke, Luweero district.

**I have a new mailing address: P.O. Box 26 Wobulenzi, Uganda**

I'll write a longer update soon. Know that I am ok and have transitioned as best as possible. Miss you guys.

I've been up an down lately. With all the difficulties I've been experiencing, both personally and professionally, I have lost focus of why I'm here. I feel like I'm going crazy. My emotions have gone haywire and I cry almost every time someone asks me about my site. I hate not having control and not being able to keep myself in check. I'm not that person, and I don't want to become that person.

Yes, I am here for myself...to a certain extent. I'm here to learn about myself, to push myself outside of my comfort zone, to grow, and to to get the experience of a lifetime. After living here for a year, I can confidently say I know myself better than I ever have before and that I have changed. Africa changes you. Peace Corps changes you. I think it's change for the better, though.

So while I am here for myself, more importantly I am here for my community. For the little boy sitting next to me on my taxi ride home who I share a muffin with. For the kids who greet me at my doorstep. For the shop owners who offer a genuine smile and handshake every time I stop by to buy eggs or bread. For the voices calling "Bye, Kirabo!" from the matooke fields as I pass by on my way home. For the lady who gives me a free pineapple because I greeted her in the local language. For my students whose scores have dramatically improved since I started teaching them. For the girls and women all over Uganda who I have been educating end empowering to be able to take care of their bodies. For the brothers who now know how to bake. For the children's ward in the health center. For the sisters who feed me dinner every Sunday night. For teaching scrabble. For playing volleyball. For being invited to visit family members. For every member of Biikira Parish who picked up a paint brush to help complete 8 murals in the village and for every person who reads the messages from these murals.

That's why I'm here. Life is difficult and messy and right now I seem to be getting hit from all angles, but I've spent enough time being sad. It's time to pick myself back up and make the best of my situation. I love my village and my community too much to give up on them now. Does that make me crazy? Maybe, but I know they love and respect me just as much, if not more. And maybe that makes them crazy.

The Third Gender

Being a woman in Uganda is challenging. Living here has made me realize how much I took for granted being a women in America. Uganda is a country where women are still seen as lesser than men. This is apparent when you see any Ugandan woman greet a man...she kneels down, lowers her eyes, and shakes his hand. It's the way the culture is here and while I may not agree with it, I'm by no means in any position to try and change it.

What's more challenging is being a white woman in Uganda. Sure the sexual harassment and the negative attention are a lot to deal with, but I've learned to tolerate them (most of the time). What I still sometimes struggle with is being part of a "third gender." The Ugandan man is definitely at the top and the Ugandan woman is definitely at the bottom. Based on the color of my skin and all that it implies (that I have money, that I'm educated, etc.) I fall somewhere in the middle where I'm not quite equal to a man but I'm treated with more respect than a woman. I understand this, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Sometimes I am treated like a man out of respect but I definitely don't get the same privileges. As a woman if I speak my mind I have to be very careful of what I say and who I say it to. If I have an idea that I know will benefit the community I need to make sure it comes from a man if I every want to implement it. Other times I am separated from the women, again out of respect, because as a "visitor" you are expected to talk and eat with members of higher class, ie men, and not those who prepare the meals and clean, ie, women.

Just something interesting to think about. Uganda is behind America in terms of gender equality (Ugandan men can't believe male Peace Corps volunteers cook for me or help me wash dishes!). Being a part of this culture has made me appreciate how I am viewed and treated in America. Definitely something I'm looking forward to coming home to.

What makes a good Peace Corps Volunteer?

This is a topic I’ve been contemplating, especially since my latest coping mechanism involves dodging site. We all joined Peace Corps with notions of what our lives should or shouldn’t be like. A year and a half later I still don’t know if there’s a set definition for what it means to be a PCV, much less a good one.

When I found out I was coming to Uganda, I researched as much as I could about this tiny country. I thought I’d be living in a mud hut, isolated from civilization, never speaking English, and eating bugs with my neighbors. Aside from the bug eating part, I couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I live in the doctor’s quarters of a health center in a house that is bigger than my apartment in America. Granted, I don’t have running water or consistent electricity, but my house is pretty ballin’. Life here is nothing like I expected it would be.

I didn’t think I’d get super close to other volunteers and was genuinely shocked at how quickly I became part of a family with my training group. These people have been the foundation to my success here and without them my life here would have been bearable, but not nearly as enriched.

As volunteers, we tend to get a complex about being a “good PCV.” Does it mean we’re not supposed to leave site to socialize with each other? Does it mean we shouldn’t splurge every once in a while on “American” food and luxuries, like Heinz ketchup instead of tomato sauce, and decent shampoo? Does it mean we shouldn’t allow ourselves access to daily internet? The longer I spend here the more I realize I don’t have to deprive myself from the things that give me joy, I don’t have to limit my happiness in order to be a good PCV.

Does being a good PCV mean you close yourself off to the outside world? Absolutely not. To me, it’s about sharing experiences and growing as a person. I’ve learned more about myself in the last year and a half than I did in all of my college years. I’ve changed as a person. I’ve begun to realize how short life really is and just how quickly time passes (I only have 9 months left??). I’ve stopped holding back as much and I’ve opened myself up and shared myself with people.

So what If some of us pay for someone to cook us dinner or to wash our clothes, does that mean we’re not “Peace Corps”? If something contributes to your overall wellbeing and doesn’t harm anyone in the process, then do it. I’m tired of getting caught up in the immense guilt of constantly trying to “be more PC.” Life here is hard enough as it is and only gets unnecessarily harder if I limit myself by falling victim to this mindset.

I like to think I’m a good PCV, but then again I’m biased. I have a dog and an internet modem and make up that makes me feel feminine and pretty when I wear it. I have 2 phones and 4 different network sim cards to be able to connect and stay in touch with volunteers here. Communication keeps me sane and reminds me that I’m still at least a little normal and haven’t turned into a total freak show here. I have a truly incredible boyfriend who continues to help me grow into a better person, and a better volunteer. Without that constant support and encouragement from him and my best friends here, I wouldn’t be happy. I wouldn’t be as strong as I have been to deal with what Uganda, and life for that matter, throw at me.

I would still be “PC,” but my life wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying as it is now. If I am happy and emotionally and mentally stable, I get more work done and more fulfillment out of the work that I do. If I’m not happy and emotionally sound, then I’m not worth anything to the people here.

The one thing I know with absolutely certainty is that I refuse to close myself off to happiness. PC doesn’t always have to mean suffering. Of course life here is way harder than it is in America, but at the end of the day, I know I’m doing good things here. I’m focused and determined and I know when I need to take a mental break from site. To me, being able to maintain that balance is what it means to be a good PCV.

When it rains it pours

There are two things I hate the most in Uganda: getting sick and transport. These past few days the stars aligned and I was fortunate enough to be blessed with both.

Since my PTC shut down, I've been out East doing AFRIpads presentations. 11 presentations, 400+ pads, and hundreds of girls in two weeks. It's been equally awesome and exhausting.

Towards the end of my Eastern trek, I managed to get some sort of nasty cold as well as some pretty wicked flu symptoms. Being away from site and being sick just puts me in a crappy, negative, even depressed mood. Traveling is exahusting and, when paired with being sick, it's downright debilitating.

Turns out I had a bladder infection and schisto. Fun stuff. I was looking forward to getting back to site, turning off my phone, taking a boatload of meds, and getting back into the swing of things. Aside from taking a boatload of meds, everything else was a disaster.

Long story short: My principal continues to be a very corrupt man, "mismanaging finances." And it turns out he was transferred from the last college he worked FOR THE SAME REASON. Peace Corps knew this and willingly gave him another volunteer. What I didn't know was that the Ministry of Education only wanted him to get another volunteer to help correct the budget and money management. Woah, I'm finding out a year later this is what I'm supposed to be doing? No thanks.

The list goes on...Brother Lawrence turned in his keys and quit because, big surprise, the principal refused to pay him. My principal made a blatant pass at me bordering on sexual harrassment in the middle of my having, what I thought was, a serious conversation with him. On top of all this I took my last round of schisto meds and passed out for a good two days. I'm talking didn't get out of bed and barely woke up. Nasty stuff, I felt like death.

Throw in my post office closing down (again), the secondary school calling to say Buzi killed 3 sheep and that they are going to kill him (when the brothers watching him said they didn't know anything about this and Buzi has been well behaved the whole time), and someone stealing a brand new roll of TP from my latrine (I've been here a year+ and have never had to lock my latrine!) It's been a hell of a week.

Oh, and did I mention that Peace Corps wants me to "seriously consider moving sites" due to all the financial crap going down at the college? After integrating into my community and becoming family with some of the people there the thought of moving brings me to tears.

Such is the continuous roller coaster that is Peace Corps. You have incredible highs, and then you have incredible lows. This is definitely one of my lowest. Not to worry, I'll get through it...I always do.

Missing everyone.