What makes a good Peace Corps Volunteer?

This is a topic I’ve been contemplating, especially since my latest coping mechanism involves dodging site. We all joined Peace Corps with notions of what our lives should or shouldn’t be like. A year and a half later I still don’t know if there’s a set definition for what it means to be a PCV, much less a good one.

When I found out I was coming to Uganda, I researched as much as I could about this tiny country. I thought I’d be living in a mud hut, isolated from civilization, never speaking English, and eating bugs with my neighbors. Aside from the bug eating part, I couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I live in the doctor’s quarters of a health center in a house that is bigger than my apartment in America. Granted, I don’t have running water or consistent electricity, but my house is pretty ballin’. Life here is nothing like I expected it would be.

I didn’t think I’d get super close to other volunteers and was genuinely shocked at how quickly I became part of a family with my training group. These people have been the foundation to my success here and without them my life here would have been bearable, but not nearly as enriched.

As volunteers, we tend to get a complex about being a “good PCV.” Does it mean we’re not supposed to leave site to socialize with each other? Does it mean we shouldn’t splurge every once in a while on “American” food and luxuries, like Heinz ketchup instead of tomato sauce, and decent shampoo? Does it mean we shouldn’t allow ourselves access to daily internet? The longer I spend here the more I realize I don’t have to deprive myself from the things that give me joy, I don’t have to limit my happiness in order to be a good PCV.

Does being a good PCV mean you close yourself off to the outside world? Absolutely not. To me, it’s about sharing experiences and growing as a person. I’ve learned more about myself in the last year and a half than I did in all of my college years. I’ve changed as a person. I’ve begun to realize how short life really is and just how quickly time passes (I only have 9 months left??). I’ve stopped holding back as much and I’ve opened myself up and shared myself with people.

So what If some of us pay for someone to cook us dinner or to wash our clothes, does that mean we’re not “Peace Corps”? If something contributes to your overall wellbeing and doesn’t harm anyone in the process, then do it. I’m tired of getting caught up in the immense guilt of constantly trying to “be more PC.” Life here is hard enough as it is and only gets unnecessarily harder if I limit myself by falling victim to this mindset.

I like to think I’m a good PCV, but then again I’m biased. I have a dog and an internet modem and make up that makes me feel feminine and pretty when I wear it. I have 2 phones and 4 different network sim cards to be able to connect and stay in touch with volunteers here. Communication keeps me sane and reminds me that I’m still at least a little normal and haven’t turned into a total freak show here. I have a truly incredible boyfriend who continues to help me grow into a better person, and a better volunteer. Without that constant support and encouragement from him and my best friends here, I wouldn’t be happy. I wouldn’t be as strong as I have been to deal with what Uganda, and life for that matter, throw at me.

I would still be “PC,” but my life wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying as it is now. If I am happy and emotionally and mentally stable, I get more work done and more fulfillment out of the work that I do. If I’m not happy and emotionally sound, then I’m not worth anything to the people here.

The one thing I know with absolutely certainty is that I refuse to close myself off to happiness. PC doesn’t always have to mean suffering. Of course life here is way harder than it is in America, but at the end of the day, I know I’m doing good things here. I’m focused and determined and I know when I need to take a mental break from site. To me, being able to maintain that balance is what it means to be a good PCV.

When it rains it pours

There are two things I hate the most in Uganda: getting sick and transport. These past few days the stars aligned and I was fortunate enough to be blessed with both.

Since my PTC shut down, I've been out East doing AFRIpads presentations. 11 presentations, 400+ pads, and hundreds of girls in two weeks. It's been equally awesome and exhausting.

Towards the end of my Eastern trek, I managed to get some sort of nasty cold as well as some pretty wicked flu symptoms. Being away from site and being sick just puts me in a crappy, negative, even depressed mood. Traveling is exahusting and, when paired with being sick, it's downright debilitating.

Turns out I had a bladder infection and schisto. Fun stuff. I was looking forward to getting back to site, turning off my phone, taking a boatload of meds, and getting back into the swing of things. Aside from taking a boatload of meds, everything else was a disaster.

Long story short: My principal continues to be a very corrupt man, "mismanaging finances." And it turns out he was transferred from the last college he worked FOR THE SAME REASON. Peace Corps knew this and willingly gave him another volunteer. What I didn't know was that the Ministry of Education only wanted him to get another volunteer to help correct the budget and money management. Woah, I'm finding out a year later this is what I'm supposed to be doing? No thanks.

The list goes on...Brother Lawrence turned in his keys and quit because, big surprise, the principal refused to pay him. My principal made a blatant pass at me bordering on sexual harrassment in the middle of my having, what I thought was, a serious conversation with him. On top of all this I took my last round of schisto meds and passed out for a good two days. I'm talking didn't get out of bed and barely woke up. Nasty stuff, I felt like death.

Throw in my post office closing down (again), the secondary school calling to say Buzi killed 3 sheep and that they are going to kill him (when the brothers watching him said they didn't know anything about this and Buzi has been well behaved the whole time), and someone stealing a brand new roll of TP from my latrine (I've been here a year+ and have never had to lock my latrine!) It's been a hell of a week.

Oh, and did I mention that Peace Corps wants me to "seriously consider moving sites" due to all the financial crap going down at the college? After integrating into my community and becoming family with some of the people there the thought of moving brings me to tears.

Such is the continuous roller coaster that is Peace Corps. You have incredible highs, and then you have incredible lows. This is definitely one of my lowest. Not to worry, I'll get through it...I always do.

Missing everyone.

50 Books

I just finished reading my 50th book in country (the ones with stars are my favorites):

*Educating Esme (Esme Raji Codell)
The 10th Circle (Jodi Picoult)
The Alchemist (Paulo Coelino)
A Wrinkle in Time (L'Engle)
Last Summer of You and Me (Ann Brasheares)
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time (Mark Haddan)
*The Glass Castle (Jeanette Walls)
House of Sand and Fog (Andre DuBus III)
Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
Three Junes (Julia Glass)
*Running with Scissors (Augusten Burroughs)
Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood (Rebecca Wells)
*The Art of Racing in the Rain (Garth Stein)
The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
The Pact (Jodi Picoult)
*The Giver (Lois Lowry)
Boy Meets Girl (Meg Cabot)
Queen of Babble in the Big City (Meg Cabot)
The Beach House (Jan Green)
Three Cups of Tea (Greg Mortenson)
Cesar's Way (Cesar Milan)
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
*Mister Pip (Lloyd Jones)
*Naked (David Sedaris)
The Fall (Albert Camus)
Picture Perfect (Jodi Picoult)
*Same Kind of Different as Me (Ron Hall and Denver Moore)
Bloodsucking Fiends (Christopher Moore)
The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitsgerald)
*The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
Disgrace (J.M. Coetzee)
*Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (Jonathan Safran Foer)
For One More Day (mitch Albom)
The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
In the Time of the Butterflies (Julia Alvarez)
The Indian in the Cupboard (Lynne Reid Banks)
The Post-Birthday World (Lionel Shriver)
The Hour I First Believed (Wally Lamb)
Lolita (Vladimir Nabokov)
The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
The Book Thief (Markus Zusak)
The Time Traveler's Wife (Audrey Niffenegger)
The Devil in the White City (Erik Larson)
*A Thousand Splendid Suns (Khaled Hosseini)
Conversations with my Dog (Zig Ziglar)
*The Forgotten Garden (Kate Morton)
*Little Bee (Chris Cleave)
*5 Quarters of the Orange (Joanne Harris)
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Stieg Larson)
B is for Beer (Tom Robbins)

41 PCVs + 36 cans of paint + Ugandan students + 8 walls = best and most productive weekend ever

I've delayed. I know. But the story (and more importantly, the pictures!) is finally here. As of 2 weeks ago I finished up my huge mural painting project. The idea was to get people talking about how to avoid the spread HIV/AIDS. My students drew pictures depicting situations that can potentially lead to spreading HIV, such as sharing needles and having multiple sexual partners. Aside from the planning and organizing, I really can't take that much credit for it. My students did the majority of the prep work and, with the help of some truly amazing Peace Corps volunteers, we finished up the painting in one day. The pictures are posted on facebook, from the beginning of the project to the (almost) end. We still have to put a few messages in local language up, but we're getting there.



The entire weekend was a huge success. I was anticipating a few bumps along the way, but honestly it couldn't have run more smoothly. I hosted about 28 PCVs at my house and when everyone arrived Friday night we ate 4 kilos of rice (and who knows how many grilled veggies) out of a huge pot, family style.



Saturday was painting day! Each of the 8 painting sites had 2-3 PCVs and several students from the college. By the time I finished running around making sure people had paintbrushes, mixing containers, paint thinner, etc., most of the work was finished! I can't even begin to express my gratitude to the group of PCVs who came down to help out. Even more amazing was how proud my students were of their work. They were the artists and had a lot of say in how they wanted their pictures colored. It was one of the best days I've had at site.



As a thank you to having everyone come down and help, we roasted 2 goats and a chicken on Sunday. We also had a football match, PCVs vs. Rakai PTC students. Sunday was pretty much a day to relax and hang out. We had another family style meal while we were waiting for the meat to cook, this time an appetizer of guacamole. I think at least 20 avocados went into the mix!



Thanks for everyone's support throughout this project. Feedback is welcome!

Ashley

Laziness takes on a whole new meaning

This past week has been my busiest since I’ve been in country. I’ve been waking up at 6 to try and squeeze in a work out before spending the better half of the day at the college (on average from 8-6 every day). My students have been phenomenal. We managed to paint, grid, and draw all 8 pictures on the mural sites in 3 days. I thought drawing the pictures would take us all weekend and part of Monday to finish…my students finished on Thursday! When I told them to break for lunch, they told me they were going to finish before eating. I was shocked; I’ve never gotten that sort of response from anyone here! In my experience, they try and find any excuse they can to get out of working. It really made me realize how pumped my students are about this project. Joan, one of the second year girls in my girls club, came up to me and said how proud she was to be involved in the project and how it was going to do amazing things for the community by spreading educational messages. This whole week I have been busting with pride. I can’t stop smiling! This magnificent high I’ve been riding is still around, and I ‘m freaking loving it. To feel this good about work for this long is a foreign concept for me, but I really hope it continues to last. My community is coming alive and I can’t wait to see how they interact with the 35+ Peace Corps volunteers that are coming down my way next weekend to help us paint.

Now for the downside…getting all the work done on Thursday meant I really didn’t have much to do over the weekend. I decided I’d take Friday off and have a “me day.” Bad idea. Laziness here is like this terrible black hole. It sucks you in without warning and before you know it you’ve watched 8 episodes of Freaks and Geeks, had 5 cups of hot chocolate, and devoured an entire 2.5 serving pasta meal. Did I just confess to that? Oops. But it’s true. And after the awesome productive week I had I felt so disgusted with myself after Friday. And guilty. I felt like such a waste of a human being and I really didn’t like it. I didn’t leave my house and I don’t even think I changed out of my pajamas all day. I guess days like that are good every once in a while, but they’re also dangerous. It’s terrifyingly easy to slip into that mindset of “just one more episode…” and the next thing you know it’s 8:00 at night and you haven’t done a single productive thing all day.

I’m definitely going to make up for it this week, though. Before Friday I have to slash my yard, clear the walk ways, clean the latrine, empty out and clean the neighboring house, clean my house, arrange to have 20 mattresses delivered, teach 7 lessons at the college, pay for and pick up the 2 goats we’ll be roasting at the celebration on Sunday, make sure the football pitch is ready for the tournament, sensitize my kids about proper behavior around visitors (ie, not begging for money or calling them mazungu), and have a meal ready for the 24 people staying at my house by the time they all get here Friday evening. Just another week in Uganda!

Wish me luck! Completed mural pictures to come soon!

Love y’all,
Ash

All you need is love

Love is a funny thing. It takes seconds to fall in love but years to fully understand what love is. It’s that warmth that pulses through your veins and makes you feel fuzzy. It seeps out of every pore of your body. It means accepting something for what it is, flaws and all. It’s irrational. It makes you feel invincible and ready to take on the world. It makes you venerable and open to the possibility of hurt but even more wonderful it opens you to the opportunity of feeling pure happiness.

Ask me on a different day when I’ve been woken up on a bus by getting a face full of curdled yogurt vomit slewn in through the window by someone retching out the window two rows in front of me (which really happened, by the way) and I may deny what I’m about to say, but right now where I am, I am genuinely in love with my life in Uganda. It’s been a roller coaster full of ups, downs, dips and turns, but it’s led me to one of the most rewarding places I’ve ever been.

I’ve been in a sort of “non-funk” lately and it took some quality time with a group of amazing people and a home cooked Chinese meal by a very respected fellow PCV to make me realize just how negative I’ve been. As volunteers, we go through a sometimes vicious cycle of ups and downs. Peace Corps service truly is love hate. I recently had my mid-service conference and after talking with the other volunteers from my training class, I was able to step back and reflect on my overall outlook on my life. I didn’t like what I saw. I saw this jaded and cynical person. That’s not who I am.

I’ve been holding onto this irrational sense of entitlement. So I’ve been living here for a year, who cares? To everyone else I’m just another white person, just another short term volunteer to take advantage of and earn a few extra shillings from. Just another dollar sign with the potential of paying for school fees or another sachet of Waragi. Can I blame them? Honestly, not really. With the amount of foreign aid that’s been dumped into this country it’s no wonder (most) Ugandans think white people are the cure all. Why should I work when the mzungu is going to come in and build a school for me? This is the bitter cynical side I’ve been talking about. But if letting go of my pride and even some of my feeling of self worth means I’ll have an overall more enjoyable and rewarding experience here then sign me up. I need to stop being so sensitive to the general population’s view of me. What matters is how I present myself to those I actually respect, the people I see on a daily basis, my colleagues and friends.

I’ve decided to do whatever it takes to make this next year truly count. I’m having the most unforgettable experience I could ever hope for and I’m finished taking it for granted. The last few weeks I’ve taken the time to think about my life. I live in a beautiful country. I’m able to see the stars more clearly than I ever have before. I’ve seen some of the most breathtaking sunrises. I’ve seen pure and undeveloped nature. I’ve gotten closer to people in the last 15 months than I have with some people my entire life. I’ve felt comfortable in my own skin and grown less afraid and skeptical of change. I am so privileged to be where I am.

I made sure to come back to site with this outlook and it’s been fantastic. I’m taking the time to do the things that I’ve for some reason or another been putting off. I managed to invite myself to dinner with the sisters last night and ended up having one of the loveliest evenings I’ve ever had. They are genuine people and were so happy to have my company for dinner. You invite yourself over to dinner in America and you’re not always greeted with the same hospitality. Now I have a dinner date every Sunday at the convent. Even better, through casual conversation they presented ideas for new projects and now we’re going to work together to train the community health workers to be able to issue ARVs to the HIV positive patients in the area.

My best friend, Brother Lawrence, is back. He’s Kenyan and therefore doesn’t get paid by the Ugandan government. For the past year he’s basically been teaching for free because the principal hasn’t been paying him. He finally had enough and decided to leave the college to finish his studies. The University is on holiday for the summer months so he came back to volunteer at the college the next few months. I went to greet him today and ended up spending the entire morning and afternoon playing scrabble, washing his 6 new puppies, and having lunch with the brothers.

The people here truly care about me and trust me. I’ve been taking that for granted. I’ve been taking my life for granted and for a while I lost sight of why I’m here. I got caught up in the negativity and the bitterness I’ve been harboring. A really good friend of mine recently told me to figure out what’s important and what you’re willing to give up to keep it. My relationships in this country are what are important. They’re what matters and what keep me in Uganda. If being harassed by people who don’t know me the same way Brother Lawrence and the sisters do is something that I have to deal with then so be it. I’m willing to give up my pride to keep what really matters: the friendships I have with Ugandans that continue to change my life every day I’m here. I’m in love with my life and I plan to continue riding this high every minute I’m here.

What a year in Uganda has taught me

A year ago I swore in as a PCV. I moved away from my family of other volunteers into my village and began to understand what a “primary school teacher trainer” really did. I’ve overcome more struggles this past year than I have my whole life, and have had even more successes.

A year in Uganda has made me learn to appreciate the small things in life and the importance of patience. The littlest thing like being addressed by name can make all the difference in how much satisfaction I get out of my day.

A year in Uganda has shown me how much of a self motivator I really am. It’s taught me to not care about what people think or how they perceive me because, here, they’re going to talk about me and stare at me no matter what I do.

A year in Uganda has taught me the value of being a woman, something I definitely took for granted in America. I’ve been sexually harassed on a near daily basis here, from being asked for sex in a somewhat joking matter to be flat out propositioned for sex as a fee for getting my mail.

A year in Uganda has made me realize how strong I am and how much I can endure. I’ve pushed myself to the limits and, if possible, have set higher standards for myself than I ever did in America. More importantly, I’ve learned how to pick myself back up and try a new approach when I don’t quite meet the goals I’ve set for myself or when I’ve utterly failed.

A year in Uganda has made me realize the value of relationships. I first had the know-it-all approach of wanting to “fix” everything that was wrong with my village, or what I thought was wrong at least. I’ve learned without the trust and respect of my community, nothing can get done. My relationships in this country are the backbone of my success and along the way I’ve met some truly inspiring and amazing people. They have changed my life more than they know and I hope I have done a sliver of the same for them.

A year in Uganda has taught me that while having initiative is one of the keys to success, you won’t get anywhere without follow through. Watching foreign aid come in and build schools without training teachers devastates this country and instills in it the notion that white people are the save all because they throw money around to fix problems. I’ve truly learned to respect and appreciate the value of Peace Corps as an organization. They have it right when they put volunteers in high need communities with the expectation of training locals and providing them with the skills they need in order to live a successful life. Like the old saying goes, if you give a man a fish he eats for a day but if you teach a man a fish he eats for a lifetime.

A year in Uganda has shown me that change doesn’t necessarily mean the end. Change is definitely a scary concept that I am still getting comfortable with, but more than that change brings about opportunity and growth. Without change things would remain stagnant and boring. Change means excitement and the chance to learn even more about yourself.

A year in Uganda has made me appreciate family and friendship. Without the constant and never judging support I get from you guys back home, there's no way I'd still be where I am today. Your love and encouragement keeps me going on the days when I find it hard to muster up the motivation to leave me house. Thanks for all you do!

Ash